My best friend is an idiot. :(

[N.D.U.O]

I'm one to usually complain about real life things on the internet, but I seriously need to rant.

My bestie-ever-pretty-much-a-sister-best-friend, Vinnie, has just gone too far. I mean, she hasn't been known for her intelligence when it comes to guys and she tends to just throw herself into things without looking but this...

Okay, basically, she's been dating this guy called Warren (but everyone in the world calls him Wozzie, as he hates his name) and Wozzie seemed really sweet. but maybe a little too hung up on her.

Vinnie (who's real name is Virginia but due to self-esteem issues she hates being called that) called me this morning and told be me that she recently got into an argument with Wozzie, because she found out he's racist.

Not only does he not like black people 'in general' (to me the phrase 'in general' means nothing) but he also doesn't like Muslims. And the worst one: He sympathises with Hitler. Some rubbish about Jews wanting to kill all Germans.

Now - Vinnie, like me, is black. But she doesn't think it matters because all though he believes black people are rowdy and responsible most of the crime in England (SO not true (doesn't even make sense if you look at the percentages of races IN England)), he knows she's not like that so he likes her.

I won't argue about his beliefs, because it's hard to change the mind of someone like that. And, mostly I don't care to but, Vinnie is selling herself SO cheap.

Her exact words were "I'm not going to break up with him." Apparently she believes arguing with him is enough and it's fine to stay in a relationship with him (I think she even used the word 'love', but I'm actively working on repressing that).

I hung up on her, she called me again, and I hung up on her again after calming explaining to her (I'm usually calm when angry), that when you make a choice you give things up. If she makes her choice to stay with him she loses her integrity and also, me.

She thinks, I'm ignoring her because I'm trying to force her to change her mind but I'm not, I just can't stomach the idea of my best friend being so dumb and having so little self-worth to keep talking to her. I feel like retching.

My other close friend told me to leave her and let her make her own mistakes but, it's so hard. She's not like any random friend. She's not expendable. It's like she's a part of me and she seems to view herself even lower than I view her.

I'm less angry now - more sad.

[Skytteflickan88]

I'm so sorry. I have no idea what you're going through, but I'm here for you. You just rant away.

I can't imagine what it's like to even know a guy like that. Someone who's stupid (I doubt he has any good arguments for his beliefs) and hateful. I get so angry just hearing about those kinds of people, so I can't magine what it's like actually having one near you in real life.

I don't blame you for not being able to be near your friend. You just keep telling her how you feel if she asks, and that you love her like a sister, but that it hurts too much for you to be near her. If she understands that you're not actually giving a ulimatium just for the sake of having things "your way", just that you can't be near her or her boyfriend (which is how I read your post, did I misunderstand?) maybe your relationship can heal one day, if she realizes her misstake.

I know this can't be easy for her either if she loves him. But still, doesn't she think about what would happen if they have kids? Would he think that the kid if filthy, has "bad blood"? That half the child's nature would be bad? What does he think of her relatives now? Does he realize he has no proof of his hate?

I just hope she keeps asking herself these questions until the pity for him (better to feel pity than anger) grows stronger than her love.

[Scarygothgirl]

He sounds exactly like this guy Mike who was going out with one of my friends for two years. We all tried to give him a chance but eventualy I was the only one out of my friends (other than the girl dating him) that could cope talking to him. Eventually they broke up, then a week later he said he was in love with me so I stopped talking to him to avoid encouraging him. Then a week later he decided he was in love with another one of my friends... He's really rather crazy and I prefer to stay away from him now.
I think the only thing you really can do is support her in her deciscions, because if you try to pursuade her that what she's doing is wrong she'll only resent you for it. And even if she then did realise you were right she's probably be too ashamed to come back to you (I've had this with several friends, they think I'm just jealous or something).

[Billie Erin]

Ok this guy sounds really evil, I'm sorry but he does. I visited the Nazi death camps with the Holocaust Educational Trust earlier this year and I just don't "get" people like him.

I'd suggest organising your thoughts on the issue and either calling her and talking to her from the heart about your true, pure motives about her deserving better, or if you think you'd get confused or she'd interrupt you write it all in a letter.I know it sounds cliché but sometimes it's the only way to really get across what you have to say (it worked in Pride and Prejudice . . .) I hope this is some help to you. I totally agree with you, and am here if you need anything.

[outofphase]

I'd say sit down with her and have a serious conversation about how concerned you are for her and your feelings about the guy. Try to stay calm and rational though 'cause if you get to emotional than she can just use that to defend him. But if you're completely rational about it (as hard as it will be to do) it will probably get through better. :/

[N.D.U.O]

Thanks so much, guys.
I've deleted the guy from my friends list on Facebook. (which is how us teens do it). And I've decided to wait until I'm fully calm (which may take a while).
As for the love thing she can't love him. They're 16 and have known each other for a year and have been dating formally for about a month.

[Skytteflickan88]

Aug 12, 2010 20:04:01 GMT -5 N.D.U.O said:

As for the love thing she can't love him. They're 16 and have known each other for a year and have been dating formally for about a month.

Not to upset you even more, but I really don't get your point. People of that age aren't uncapable of love. Specially if they had one year to get to know each other.

[Scarygothgirl]

Love has no age limit. You need to be very careful not to mention to her anything about you not thinking they;re in love 'cos people tend to get very sensitive over other people tellling them their own emotions.

[VampSlayer]

People need to live in this day, not the stone age. Skin color, sexuality, ect. shouldn't matter. Most things, in not all, adapt to change, so can the human species. I'm sorry to hear that your friend is with someone like that, but hopefully she'll get a clear head soon.

[Astray]

Aug 12, 2010 11:51:07 GMT -5 N.D.U.O said:

My other close friend told me to leave her and let her make her own mistakes but, it's so hard. She's not like any random friend. She's not expendable. It's like she's a part of me and she seems to view herself even lower than I view her.

I'm less angry now - more sad.

Aww. You're a really good friend, she's lucky to have someone that cares that much about her. I admire your level-headedness about this, I have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of thing. Just remember that you can't give anyone self-esteem, they have to find it for themselves, I've been in a similar situation with a friend and after about 7 years of trying to get her past an abusive relationship I just had to give it up. It was just too much for me to handle. I really hope you can work it out though.

[drusillacakes]

I have no patience for people like that either. In this day and age, you would think we would have evolved.

My two cents? You definitely can't cut her out of your life. Like you said, she's not expendable. When you've been friends with someone so long, they're like family, and you can't really turn your back on her, especially since it sounds like you're the only voice of reason in her life right now. However, I do think that people can be blinded by love. She's probably so enamored with him that she can't see the faults that are right in front of her but hopefully she will come around. Soon. I hope you guys can work it out.

[Eric]

You say she's doing something stupid, but you're not cutting her out because (I'm assuming) you love her (platonically). Maybe that's the way she feels about him. I'm not defending his racism, but we do stupid things for love. We don't choose who we love either.

I hope things work out, Rexy.

[forgottendreamer]

Hey i'm really sorry to hear about that, it sounds like you're in a bad situation, but when it comes down to it one of your duties as a friend is to stick by the people you call friends while they make mistakes, and be there to help pick them up and dust them off.
I'm sure you would expect your friends to do the same for you.
Having said that I completely understand that this is a really bad situation..
I guess all you can really do is stress how you feel, tell her you're worried and that will have to be it, unless you really are willing and able to cut her out of your life.

[N.D.U.O]

I'm not sure what to do, now.

I don't want to hear her talk about him - but it would be unfair to her to force her to be silent about him whenver on the phone with me.

Um... really not sure.

Okay - I'll write about the not giving her an ultimatum thing on her Wall.
- So I'm actually doing something.

[Scarygothgirl]

You could say to her that you don't agree with her going out with him, but you're not going to stop her doing what she wants, so you'd rather if the two of you talked about things other than him.

[N.D.U.O]

But that's like someone telling me to be friends with them - as long as I don't talk about Buffy or Vampire Diaries. Cruel and near impossible.

[Billie Erin]

^^^ But she might do it if she's a really good friend. I was devastated because my friend started dating a guy I liked after a while I explained how much I liked him and she shut up about him

[outofphase]

I wouldn't do this over the phone or internet. I would do it in person and yes, that means you're going to have to listen to her talk about him. It's part of having a conversation, not talking at someone. :/

[N.D.U.O]

I just wan that everything is okay now. She's still with him but not talking about him. Things are a little awkward but okay.

Thank you all for your help.

[Skytteflickan88]

^^ I hope she dumps him in the end, but it's nice that you can still be friends.