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Post by erminton on Sept 6, 2008 2:55:41 GMT -5
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Post by Skytteflickan88 on Sept 6, 2008 11:17:48 GMT -5
Funny stories;
Their sons
These 4 pals go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son BIll," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, no to be out done, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "George is so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave his friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son, Albert, has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son turned out," he replies. "For 15 years, Frank's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay. However, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Money
There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."
"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
I didn't like this one (could be because I'm a woman and think that women are statistically proven to be better drivers, atleast safer. The cellphone, purse and make-up stuff is true tough
ATM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:
MALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Weight Loss Plan
A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"
He lost 63 pounds that week.
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Post by hitnrun017 on Sept 7, 2008 1:28:18 GMT -5
Here's one of my favorite videos that I watch religiously if I need to laugh:
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Post by Wyndam on Sept 7, 2008 1:40:50 GMT -5
LOL I love this video! I've seen it waaaaaaaaaay too many times to count. It never gets old.
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Post by erminton on Sept 7, 2008 9:39:30 GMT -5
The video of the narcoleptic dog is both sad and hilarious.
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Post by Skytteflickan88 on Sept 7, 2008 13:16:17 GMT -5
Poor dog. Here's a little something with James and his "homophobia" www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxYjAGKcSy8&feature=relatedPoor guy. I can totally relate. I'm open-minded and stuff but I got my boundaries. ..... Oh, who am I kidding, someone please grab me inappropriately. |
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Anya Nikolaievna
Innocent Bystander
Yagudin & Plushenko: Lords of the Rink![Mo0:25]
Posts: 26
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Post by Anya Nikolaievna on Sept 9, 2008 10:46:26 GMT -5
Some jokes...
Firstly, this one is so stupid it's funny:
A guy walks into a bar, and he says "OW!"
Next... (warning! profanity!)
An alligator walks into a bar and says, "Give me a drink!" to the bartender. The bartender says, "We don't serve alligators." He says, "If you don't give me a drink, I'm going to eat that woman up!" The bartender says, "Go ahead!" So the alligator goes and he eats the woman, then goes back to the bartender. "Now give me a drink!" he says, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve drug addicts." The alligator says, "I'm not a drug addict!" The bartender says "What about that bar bitch you ate?" (it'd make sense if you know the word barbituate LOL)
Another...
A guy walks into a bar and he sets a box on the bar. A duck is on top of it and he starts dancing. The bartender notices that more and more people come in to see the duck dance, and keeps making more and more money. Finally, he turns to the guy and says, "How about if I buy that duck off of you?" The guy says, "Oh, I don't know. I don't think I want to sell him." The bartender says, "I'll give you $500." So the guy says, "Well... okay, sure, you can have the duck." A few days later, the bartender calls the guy and asks, "How do you make the duck stop dancing?" The guy replies, "It's easy, just blow out the candle underneath him."
Another...
A guy is driving on the freeway when he sees a woman standing outside with three penguins. He pulls over and says, "Can I help you?" The woman says, "Yes, my car broke down and I need to take these penguins to the zoo. I'll give you $50." He says, "Well, I'm going that way, I'll do it." Later that day, she sees him, and is furious! She walks up to him and says, "What are you doing with these penguins? I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!" He said, "I took them to the zoo, we had some money left over, and now we're going to see some movies."
The following two jokes are DIRTY!
Why does it take 256,000 of sperm to fertilize one egg?
Not one of them would stop and ask for directions!
A poor immigrant comes to America for the first time, staying with his cousin, Luigi. Luigi says, "I'm going to show you a great time. They are having dances for the next few days. You can meet a girl and have some fun." The immigrant says, "Well, I have nothing formal to wear." Luigi says, "Don't worry, there's a great secondhand store nearby." So he takes his cousin to the store, and they buy a suit that's rather dull-looking. At first, the cousin is unsure whether it's worth getting. But the salesman points out, "Look at the shoes, how shiny they are!" They shine so much he can actually use them as a mirror! So they go to the dance, the cousin is wearing the old suit with the shiny shoes. He picks out a girl and starts dancing with her. Halfway though the dance, he looks down and sees that he an tell what color uunderwear the girl has on just by looking at his shoes. "You have green panties on," he says. The girl smiles and says, "You're right!" The next night, he dances with her again and says, halfway through the dance, "You're wearing red underwear tonight." She says, "Yes, that's right." So the next night they dance, and he looks at his shoes halfway though the dance. He looks at the girl with this puzzled look on his face. "What color underwear do you have on?" The girl gets this big grin on her face, and says, "I'm not wearing any!" The immigrant says, "Thank God! I thought I had a hole in my shoe!"
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Post by Skytteflickan88 on Sept 18, 2008 15:31:22 GMT -5
Have you seen Girlicious video Stupid Shit? This version is much better www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuoniCeFOak&NR=1EDIT- Monica and Rachel show Chandlers were the "hot spots" are on a woman and Monica gets carried away. |
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Post by Skytteflickan88 on Oct 24, 2008 12:04:36 GMT -5
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siredbyspike
Initiative Soldier
Love's Bint
[Mo0:13]
Posts: 387
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Post by siredbyspike on Nov 4, 2008 2:27:00 GMT -5
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Mayor Of F♥ckville
Ensouled Vampire
DISCO!
Self destructive behavior is becoming quite a hobby of mine.[Mo0:0]
Posts: 1,170
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Post by Mayor Of F♥ckville on Nov 4, 2008 3:40:32 GMT -5
lmfao. I bet that girl hates life.
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Rachster
Bad Ass Wicca
♥Koala Girl♥
Rachster previousily know as buffyfanforever. :][Mo0:34]
Posts: 2,344
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Post by Rachster on Nov 4, 2008 6:48:30 GMT -5
LOL hahahhahahahahahahahahaha, i love it.
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Post by Skytteflickan88 on Dec 7, 2008 11:43:23 GMT -5
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Post by edge450 on Dec 7, 2008 11:58:22 GMT -5
 word word |
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Post by Skytteflickan88 on Dec 8, 2008 22:28:21 GMT -5
A very sweet and funny joke: Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!" Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!! v.youku.com/v_show/id_XNTM5MzMwMzY=.html |
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watcher
Novice Witch
[Mo0:0]
Posts: 211
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Post by watcher on Dec 9, 2008 10:46:55 GMT -5
Coming to Alderaan
Terminator 2: Low Budgement Day some strong language
Half Life: Full life Consequences someone took this guy's horrible fanfiction and turned it into a mini movie.
Star Wars Revenge of the Sith alternate ending
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Post by tms on Jan 24, 2009 22:50:59 GMT -5
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Post by snizapman6294 on Jan 25, 2009 23:39:58 GMT -5
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Post by hitnrun017 on Feb 17, 2009 21:32:29 GMT -5
I have an all new all time favorite video. I couldn't breathe the first couple times I watched it...
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iloveromy
Descendant of a Toaster Oven
[Mo0:10]
Posts: 684
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Post by iloveromy on Feb 17, 2009 21:53:00 GMT -5
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