Codependency in the Buffyverse

[midwesternwatcher]

It seems to me that all the characters of BtVS that we get to know at all well, including Buffy, will display a bit of codependent behavior now and then, but some more than others.

I feel that Willow has a pronounced codependent streak. When it comes forward, it can be a danger to herself and others.

I'd like to hear other views.

[Darth Rosie]

Hi there, midwesternwatcher, that's a very interesting issue - I was just thinking - could you elaborate a bit more what situations you are thinking of when Willow's codependent streak came forward? The way I understood this, codependency is an issue somebody may have when his or her partner is an addict of some sort. Willow's partners certainly were not (I count Tara and Oz among the emotionally strongest and healthiest in the whole Buffyverse), whereas Willow herself showed signs of abuse of magic.

[midwesternwatcher]

Here's a link you might want to look at:
www.codependents.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php
Maybe I'm not using the right word. Codependency seems to be a vague concept.
I'm rewatching season 4 now. In "Something Blue," Xander complains of Willow's "poor me" talk. "We're all tired of it," says Buffy. In "Doomed," she meets Percy, and is devastated when she overhears him call her a "nerd." She definitely has self-esteem issues. But the big theme is her tendency to become dependent on relationships with others, and to lose it completely when a relationship fails--Oz, then Buffy, then Tara. I appreciate that she has strong feelings, but this is beyond nature. Hey, I love her too! But she's a very troubled young woman.
BTW, I claimed Holden Webster, how do I find out if I "got him?" And I should put up a graphic like yours. It won't be Satsu.

[tkts]

Hm ... while Willow certainly has issues, I don't know that codependency accurately describes them. She fits the low self esteem part of the equation, but that by itself doesn't make a person codependent.

Running down the list from that link:

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. -- Not really; at least not more so than a normal person.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel. -- Sometimes, but again, not to an abnormal degree.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others. -- Not beyond a normal level of caring about the people she loves.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions. -- Yes, although she overcomes this after the first few seasons.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough." -- Yes, though she does learn to stand up for herself.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts. -- Probably, though not abnormally so.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires. -- No.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own. -- No. Even shy, timid Season 1 Willow is her own person; we never see her try to be a Cordette.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person. -- Somewhat. She has low self esteem in a lot of areas, and certainly doesn't see herself as "the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into." But even in the beginning, she certainly never seemed to question her intelligence. And while her initial response to Buffy seems to indicate someone who doesn't see herself as lovable, she gets over it a lot more quickly than you'd expect than if her reaction were rooted in a lack of self-worth. Rather, she saw Buffy hanging out with Cordelia and was expecting meanness, but once she found otherwise, she pretty quickly became confident in Buffy's friendship.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger. -- No. She might have let herself get pushed around, but not when it came to things that really mattered.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same. -- No more so than any other non-sociopath.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. -- The only really harmful situation we see her in is her magic addiction, but I think this criterion normally applies to relationships.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own. -- No.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want. -- I can't think of any examples.
I accept sex when I want love. -- No.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves. -- No. When your best friend is the Slayer, that's a hard delusion to hold.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel. -- No.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them. -- No.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked. -- No more so than any normal person.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about. -- Not really.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance. -- No. You could make a case for her attempt to seduce Oz after reconciling with him post-Xander-kissage, but I don't think that's enough.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others. -- No.

While there are characteristics of codependency that can be applied to her, I think that's probably true of just about everyone alive.

And actually, I'd argue that out of the "big three," Willow's the one who has the healthiest romantic relationships. Not that Demon Magnet and Boinker of the Undead give her much competition in that arena.

[Jaz ♀♀]

^^ i agree! karmas!!

[midwesternwatcher]

I will think about what's been said and reply in more detail later. For now, I'd like to ask a question.

If you don't want to say that Willow is "codependent," what would you say about her?

How would you describe her issues?

Thanks.

[tkts]

Apr 8, 2010 22:29:26 GMT -5 midwesternwatcher said:

I will think about what's been said and reply in more detail later. For now, I'd like to ask a question.

If you don't want to say that Willow is "codependent," what would you say about her?

How would you describe her issues?

Thanks.

Social anxiety is a big one. And perhaps anxiety in general, tied to a strong need for control over herself and her immediate surroundings.

She seems a bit OCD. (Willow: "We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens. But it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane." Tara: "I said quirky.")

As a side note, I hesitate to throw around terms like OCD because I think it's too easy to pathologize what are really just variations on normal human behavior. I don't think Willow really has OCD in the sense of a diagnosable disorder; she's just extremely organized and a bit anal retentive.

But I think she definitely has some anxiety and control issues.

(As for the others: Buffy's biggest emotional problem is probably her self-imposed isolation. Xander's obviously got plenty of issues, but his are a bit harder to pin down. And Dawn has enough abandonment issues to keep an army of therapists busy for years.)

[midwesternwatcher]

I'm hoping to start a podcast in the next few months, to be called "Buffy Thoughts," about issues in the Buffyverse. You sound like a thoughtful person, with definite views, different from mine, but that's no matter. Would you like my podcast to include your views? Look in the members list, you'll see my email.

I do think there's something about Willow you're not facing squarely. She is invested in her relationships in a way and to a degree that is not rational, not natural, not sane. When Tara died, she mourned. That was natural. She committed murder. That was not. Remember, we don't condone private vengeance in this culture. And she threatened suicide ("ending the world" is a metaphor). Xander saved her by telling her he loved her. Remember that these fictional characters have real-life counterparts. The "real life" Xander would wind up saving the "real life" Willow five or six times. I've seen it happen!

If I met a Willow type in real life, and I had a chance to make friends with her, I'd be tempted, but I'd keep my distance.

Here's a question. Why does Willow prefer Tara to Oz? We can pass over the matter of what kind of body she prefers. On a personality-emotional level, what does Tara do for Willow that Oz doesn't?

Hope to hear from you.