Post by buffysmglover on Jul 5, 2008 7:17:25 GMT -5
FINISHED!
[glow=red,2,300]WHEN SHE WAS BAD[/glow]
Xander: You're Amish! You can't fight back... 'cause you're Amish! I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy!
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Xander: Yo! G-man! What's up?
Giles: Nice to see you. And don't ever call me that.
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Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow. Was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?
Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.
Xander: Yeah. Some stuff's about groping. It wasn't about groping was it?!
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Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.
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Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.
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Buffy: So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware?
Angel: I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like.
Buffy: I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from.
Angel: What are you afraid of? Me? Us?
Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no "us". Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.
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Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
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Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? ... She's possessed.
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Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A bitca?
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Principal Snyder: There're some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
Giles: No, actually that would be one of the five.
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Buffy: This is Cordelia's. "Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal."
Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? I'll pretend I didn't say that.
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Willow: Well, what about the rest of the note?
Buffy: What rest of the note?
Willow: The part that says, "P.S. This is a trap"?
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Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say "undead American"?
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Cordelia: What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is? It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.
Ms. Calender: Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to kill you. The stains.
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Buffy: I don't think I can face them.
Giles: Hm? Oh, of course you can.
Buffy: I can't! What should I say? "Sorry I almost got your throat slit. What's the homework?"
Giles: Punishing yourself like this is pointless.
Buffy: It's entirely pointy. I was a moron. I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school.
Giles: What are you gonna do? Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?
Buffy: Would it have cable?
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[glow=red,2,300]SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED[/glow]
Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or… yodel.
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Buffy: You might want to avoid words like "amenable" and "indecorous". Speak English, not whatever they speak in...
Giles: England?
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Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?
Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business.
Xander: Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen.
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Giles: Grave-robbing? That's new. Interesting.
Buffy: I know you meant to say "gross and disturbing".
Giles: Yes, yes, yes of course. Uh, terrible thing. Must put a stop to it. Damn it.
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Cordelia: Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word "corpse" in it?
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Willow: Love makes you do the wacky.
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Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
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Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander: [coughing] Karma!
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Buffy: Okay, Giles, just remember, "I feel a thing, you feel a thing", but personalize it.
Giles: Personalize it?
Buffy: She's a techno-pagan, right? Ask her to bless your laptop.
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Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
Angel: What?
Buffy: Crazy stuff.
Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?
Buffy: Are you fessing up?
Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.
Buffy: I don't love Xander.
Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.
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[glow=red,2,300]SCHOOL HARD[/glow]
Principal Snyder: Tell me, who do you think is the most troublesome student in this school? [Beat.] Well, it is quite a match between you two. On the one hand, Buffy hasn't stabbed a horticulture teacher with a trowel.
Sheila: I didn't stab anyone with a trowel. They were pruning shears.
Snyder: On the other hand, Sheila has never burned down a school building.
Buffy: W-well, that was never proven. The Fire Marshall said i-it coulda been mice.
Snyder: [incredulous.] Mice.
Buffy: [grasping.] M-mice that were smoking?
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Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move.
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Sheila: Did you really burn down a school building one time?
Buffy: Well, not actually one time.
Sheila: Cool.
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Xander: So, this night of St. Vigeous deal. If they're gonna attack in force, aren't we thinkin' vacation?
Willow: We can't run, that would be wrong. Could we hide?
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Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.
Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
Willow: Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still like 400 dates with 400 different... [Awkward beat.] Why do they call it a mace?
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Xander: [After Angel discreetly vanishes during a conversation ala Batman.] Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy.
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Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. [tuts.] You should have someone out there.
Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?
Angel: Everything.
Spike: Yeah. Come up against this Slayer yet?
Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave her the puppy dog "I'm all tortured" act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.
Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine? What a world!
Xander: I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.
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Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!
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Buffy: Do we really need weapons for this?
Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.
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Joyce: [after braining Spike with an axe.] You get the hell away from my daughter!
(best quote from BtVS EVER!)
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[glow=red,2,300]INCA MUMMY GIRL[/glow]
Xander: Hold on a sec. So, this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man. With man parts. This is a terrible idea.
Willow: What about the beautiful melding of two cultures?
Xander: There's no melding, okay? He better keep his parts to himself.
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Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
Xander: The important thing is you believe that.
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Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.
Giles: It's as if you know me.
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Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.
Xander: For twenty-one hours?
Willow: It's addictive, you know.
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Willow: So, Ampata. You're a girl.
Ampata: Yes. For many years now.
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Oz: I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.
Devon: She doesn't have to talk.
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Xander: [on Twinkies] And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce, so it doesn't leave you with that heavy "food" feeling in your stomach.
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Willow: Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life.
Buffy: Good for you.
Willow: Well, I didn't choose yet.
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Oz: Hey. That girl. Who is she?
Devon: She's an exchange student. I think she's from South America.
Oz: No, not her. The Eskimo!
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[glow=red,2,300]REPTILE BOY[/glow]
Angel: [grabs her roughly] This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.
Buffy: No. When you kiss me I want to die.
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Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?
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Willow: I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew.
Xander: Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties ... That's not askew, that's [censored!]eyed.
Willow: Askew means [censored!]eyed.
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Willow: [to Angel] Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! [to Giles] And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! [to Angel] And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?? Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've got to help Buffy.
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[glow=red,2,300]HALLOWEEN[/glow]
[Xander confronts athlete Larry about insulting Buffy.]
Larry: Well, what're you gonna do about it?
Xander: I'm gonna do what any man would do about it ... [He grabs Larry by the shirt.] ... something damn manly.
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Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.
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Cordelia: Is Mr. I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show-up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there?
Oz: Yeah. ... You know, he's just going by "Devon" now.
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Willow: Okay, your name is Cordelia, you're not a cat, you're in high school, and we're your friends. Well, sort of ...
Cordelia: That's nice, Willow. And you went mental when?
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Oz: Who is that girl?
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[glow=red,2,300]LIE TO ME[/glow]
Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed ...
Xander: I think you mean oppressed.
Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!
(Another one of my absolute favorite quotes since I now know who Marie Antoinette is and I know what cake really is!)
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Drusilla: What will your mummy sing when they find your body?
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Xander: "This is Ford, my bestest friend of all my friends!" Jeez, doesn't she know any fat guys?
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Angel: Do you love me?
Buffy: What?
Angel: Do you?
Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you.
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Chanterelle: This is a beautiful day. Can't you see that?
Buffy: What I see is that, right after the sun goes down, Spike and all of his friends are going to be pigging out at the all-you-can-eat moron bar.
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Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
Giles: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?
Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Giles: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.
(Another one of my favorites. Did Season Two just rock with the quotes, or what?!)
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[glow=red,2,300]THE DARK AGE[/glow]
Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier."
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Cordelia: There are books on computers? Isn't the point of computers to replace books?
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Cordelia: No, he seemed perfectly normal yesterday when I saw him talking to the police.
(Everyone stares at Cordelia)
Buffy:: And you waited till now to tell us this because...?
Cordelia: I didn't think it was important!
Xander: We understand. It wasn't about you.
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Buffy: Don't be sorry, be Giles. C'mon, we fight monsters. This is what we do. They show up, they scare us, I beat 'em up and they go away. This isn't any different!
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Willow: HEY! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble! Now, we have to put our heads together and, and get them out of it! And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!
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Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you're a person.
Giles: Most grownups are.
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[glow=red,2,300]WHAT'S MY LINE, PART I[/glow]
Cordelia: Oh, here I am. "Personal shopper or motivational speaker". Neato!
Xander: Motivational speaker? On what? Ten ways to a more annoying you?
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Principal Snyder: It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event.
Xander: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me. And I can only hope that one day I'm in the position to be that honest with you.
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Giles: You're behaving remarkably immaturely.
Buffy: You know why? I am immature. I'm a teen. I have yet to mature.
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Buffy: Note to self: religion: freaky.
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Angel: You shouldn't have to touch me when I'm like this.
Buffy: Oh. I didn't even notice.
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Buffy: Who the hell are you?!
Kendra: I am Kendra! Da Vumpire Slahyer!
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[glow=red,2,300]WHAT'S MY LINE, PART II[/glow]
Kendra: "Wiggy"?
Buffy: You know. No kick-o, no fight-o?
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[Spike is dragging an unconscious Angel away.]
Willy: What are you gonna do with him anyway?
Spike: I'm thinking... maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.
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Buffy: It's OK. Kendra killed the bad lamp.
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Giles: After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case.
Buffy: Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha- what's wrong with my case?
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Xander: A Slayer, huh? I knew this "I'm the only one, I'm the only one" thing was just an attention-getter.
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Xander: Angel's our friend! Except I don't like him.
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Drusilla: [to Angel] Say 'uncle.' Oh, that's right. You killed my uncle.
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Kendra: That's me favourite shirt! It's me only shirt!
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Oz: The monkey's the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that? You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen. So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like, is the hippo going, "Hey, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And, you know, the monkey's just [in a French accent] "I mock you with my monkey pants." And then there's a big coup at the zoo.
Willow: The monkey is French?
Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?
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[glow=red,2,300]TED[/glow]
Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid?
Buffy: Oh, yeah!
Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?
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Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone's like, "I like your mini pizzas", but I'm telling you, I am—
Giles: Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text.
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Xander: Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit.
Cordelia: Oh, very funny.
Xander: Not really.
Cordelia: What are you saying?
Xander: Nice outfit?
Cordelia: Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut?
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Xander: You wannna go to the utility closet and make out?
Cordelia: God, is that all you ever think about? [pause] Okay.
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[glow=red,2,300]BAD EGGS[/glow]
Mr. Whitmore: ...it's often difficult to remember that there are negative consequences to having sex. Would anyone care to offer one such consequence?
Cordelia: Well, that depends. Are you talking about sex in the car or out of the car? Because I have a friend, not me, that was in a Miata parked at the top of the hill, and then she kicked the gearshift, and, and-
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Willow: Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. [hands Buffy an egg]
Buffy: As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.
Willow: No, it's your baby!
Buffy: Okay, I get it even less.
Xander: You know it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg, it's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow: My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Then teach it that dreidel song.
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Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You... Angel... big... smoochies?
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Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?
Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.
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Xander: Can I just say... gyuhhhh?
Buffy: I see your gyuhhhh and raise you a ngyahhh!
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[glow=red,2,300]SURPRISE[/glow]
Buffy: I dreamt ... I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.
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Willow: Carpe diem! You told me that, once.
Buffy: "Fish of the day"?
Willow: Not carp — carpe! It means "seize the day."
Buffy: Right.
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Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.
Willow: Oh! Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say "yes."
Oz: Yeah, it helps. It ... it creates a comfort zone. ... Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?
Willow: [slaps forehead] Oh! I can't!
Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
Willow: Oh ... It's just, it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.
Oz: It's okay.
Willow: But you could come! If you wanted.
Oz: Well, I don't want to crash.
Willow: No, it's fine! You could be my ... my date.
Oz: All right. I'm in. [nods farewell when she indicates she's ready to leave]
Willow: [walks off, delighted with the encounter] I said "date"!
==========
Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?
Willow: Ohhh, well ... sort of.
Xander: Yep. Vampires are real, a lot of 'em live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.
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Giles: It seems Buffy needed some rest.
Angel: Yeah. She hasn't been sleeping well. Tossing and turning.
(Willow, Giles, Xander and Jenny give him the "how would you know look?")
Angel: She told me. 'Cause of her dreams.
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Angel: I love you. ... I try not to, but I can't stop.
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[glow=red,2,300]INNOCENSE[/glow]
Spike: Are we feeling better then?
Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars.
Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day.
Drusilla: I can see them, but I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion. I fear there will be a duel.
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Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not knew it in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!
Xander: I know it's weird ...
Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the We Hate Cordelia Club, of which you are the treasurer.
Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you.
Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?
Xander: All right, let's over-react, shall we?
Willow: But I'm ...
Xander: Willow. We were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.
Willow: No. ... It just means you'd rather be with someone you hate, than be with me.
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Xander: Whoa. Whoa! I-I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan. [lights go out] Now I'm having a wiggins.
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Cordelia: This is great! There's an unkillable demon in town, Angel's joined his team, the Slayer's a basketcase, I'd say we've hit bottom.
Xander: I have a plan.
Cordelia: Oh no, here's a lower place.
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Angelus: To kill this girl ... you have to love her.
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Cordelia: So does looking at guns really make girls want to have sex? That's scary.
Xander: Yeah, I guess.
Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
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Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, you know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops. It's like, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage.
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Buffy: That was then ... [puts the crossbow down and raises a rocket launcher] ... this is now.
Judge: What's that do?
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Oz: [picking up pieces of the Judge and pointing at one of its arms] Uh - Arm!
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Giles: It's not over. I suppose you know that. He'll come after you, particularly. His profile ... he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human.
Buffy: You must be so disappointed in me.
Giles: No. No no, I'm not.
Buffy: This is all my fault.
Giles: I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. And I can. I know that you loved him. And, he ... he's proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months are, are going to be hard, I suspect on all of us. But if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is my support. And my respect.
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Joyce: Well, go on. Make a wish.
Buffy: I'll just let it burn.
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[glow=red,2,300]PHASES[/glow]
Larry: That little innocent schoolgirl thing is just an act, right?
Oz: Yeah. Yeah, she's actually an evil mastermind. It's fun.
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Buffy: Well, none of them know a thing! They all get an "F" in Willow.
Willow: But I want Oz to get an "A," and, oh, one of those gold stars!
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Buffy: But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that "sharing our misery" thing tonight.
Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy: Meow!
Willow: Thanks, I haven't gotten a Meow before.
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Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.
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Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either.
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[glow=red,2,300]Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered[/glow]
Angelus: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?
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Xander: Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting.
Buffy: Play your cards right...
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Willow: Don't be so jumpy... I've been in your bed before.
Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.
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Willow : [seductively] I want you, Xander... to be my first!
Xander: [terrified] ...baseman! Please tell me we're talking baseball!
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Oz: I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to... hit you.
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Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: [stiff with fear] Really? It doesn't say 'spare me,' by any chance?
Drusilla: How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe?
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Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
Oz: But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.
Buffy: You think maybe you could get me some clothing?
Oz: Yes, I can. Just, uh... don't go anywhere.
Buffy: Really not an issue.
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Cordelia: Harmony, shut up. [Xander looks back] Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.
Harmony: I'm not a sheep.
Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? [Xander smiles] I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is. [Xander stops smiling]
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[glow=red,2,300]PASSION[/glow]
Cordelia: Oh, God! I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants!
Xander: Yep, you're doomed to havin' to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas.
==========
Xander: Excuse me, but have you ever heard of knocking?
Jonathan: We're supposed to get some books. On Stalin.
Xander: Does this look like a Barnes & Noble?
Giles: This is a school library, Xander.
Xander: Since when?
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Buffy: It's so weird. Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew.
Willow: Well, sort of, except ...
Buffy: Except what?
Willow: You're still the only thing he thinks about.
==========
Shopkeeper: By the way, not that it's any of my business, but what are you planning on conjuring up, if you can decipher the text?
Jenny: A present for a friend of mine.
Shopkeeper: Really? What are you going to give him?
Jenny: His soul.
==========
Angelus: [to Joyce] I haven't been able to sleep since the night we made love.
...
Buffy: Sorry, Angel. Changed the locks.
==========
Angelus: I heard. You went shopping at the local boogedy-boogedy store.
==========
Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying "I told you so" long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the ... fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, "Faster, [censored!]cat! Kill! Kill!"
Buffy: Yeah. There's just one problem with Giles in a revenge scenario. It'll get him killed.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]KILLED BY DEATH[/glow]
Xander: Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life!
==========
Buffy: No, I feel fine. I mean, I'm... the world's spinning a little bit, but I like it, it's kinda like a ride.
...
Cordelia: We're all concerned about how gross you look.
==========
Angelus: Buffy's White Knight. You still love her. It must just eat you up that I got there first.
Xander: You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there.
==========
[Willow brings Buffy, who is in hospital, her homework]
Buffy: Homework.
Willow: It's my way of saying get well soon.
Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.
==========
Xander: Your mom's tryin' to Bogart the cheesy chips. What's that all about?
==========
[glow=red,2,300]I Only Have Eyes for You[/glow]
Buffy: What happened?! You just went O.J. on your girlfriend!
==========
Secretary: Mr Snyder, Billy Crandell chained himself to the snack machine again.
Principal Snyder: Pathetic little lowlife vegan.
==========
Buffy/James: Grace!
Angelus/Miss Newman: Don't do this.
Buffy/James: But...but I killed you.
Angelus/Miss Newman: It was an accident. It wasn't your fault.
Buffy/James: It is my fault. How could I...
Angelus/Miss Newman: (gently puts his fingers on her lips.) Hush. I'm the one who should be sorry James. You thought I stopped loving you. But I never did. I loved you with my last breath. Shh. No more tears.
(Both couples in the past and present begin kissing passionately. During this event white lights go out of both Buffy and Angelus. James and Miss Newman found peace.)
(Buffy and Angelus stop kissing.)
Buffy: Angel?
(Angelus growls, shows his vamp face and pushes Buffy. He runs out of the room and slams the door.)
==========
Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it.
Buffy: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with.
Xander: He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.
==========
Spike: You might want to let up. They say once you've drawn blood, you've exfoilated.
Angelus: What do you know about it? I'm the one who was freaking violated. You didn't have this thing in you.
Drusilla: What was it? A demon?
Angelus: Love!
Drusilla: Poor Angel.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]GO FISH[/glow]
Xander: That is wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our Ds.
Cordelia: Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works.
Xander: And what about that nutty "all men are created equal" thing?
Cordelia: Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.
Xander: I think that was Lincoln.
Cordelia: Disgusting mole and stupid hat.
Willow: Actually, it was Jefferson.
Cordelia: Kept slaves. Remember?
==========
Cameron: Relax, I'm not going to hurt you.
Buffy: Oh, it's not me I'm worried about.
==========
Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
Willow: Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness.
==========
Cordelia: God, this is so sad. We're never gonna win the state championship. I think I've lost all will to cheerlead.
Xander: Raise your hand if you feel her pain.
==========
Buffy: You see, I'm a swim groupie.
Gage: Uh-huh.
Buffy: Oh, yeah, you know, there's just something about the smell of chlorine on a guy. Oh, baby.
Gage: Hmm. [starts to leave]
Buffy: Uh, okay, okay, okay. Obviously, my sex appeal is on the fritz today...
==========
Cordelia: What the hell are you doing here?
Xander: Shhh! I'm undercover!
Buffy: You're not under much.
==========
Coach Marin: You got some imagination, missy.
Buffy: Oh, well, right now I'm imagining you in jail. You're wearing a big orange suit, and, oh look, the guards are beating you up.
...
Coach Marin: Boy, when they were handin' out school spirit, you didn't even stand in line, did you?
Buffy: No, I was in the line for "shred of sanity."
=========
Cordelia: You were so courageous, and you looked really hot in those speedos! And I want you to know that I still care about you, no matter what you look like. And-and we can still date. Or-or, not. I mean... I understand if you wanna see other fish. I'll do everything I can to make your quality of life better, whether that means little bath toys or whatever.
==========
Buffy: Great. This is just what my reputation needs, that I did it with the entire swim team.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]BECOMING, PART ONE[/glow]
Liam: I've never been anywhere myself. Always wanted to see the world but -
Darla: I could show you.
...
Liam: I'm not afraid. Show me. Show me your world.
Darla: Close your eyes. [morphs into vampire face and sinks her fangs into Liam's neck, draining his blood]
==========
Snyder: Are we having a chair shortage?
Willow: I didn't read anything about... oh, [slides off Oz's lap] I get it.
Snyder: These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school. This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom.
Buffy: Yeah, where they teach Lunch.
==========
Drusilla: I met an old man. Didn't like him. He got stuck in my teeth.
==========
Angelus: You can see all that in your head?
Spike: No, you ninny. She read it in the morning paper.
==========
Willow: It might be something of Ms. Calendar's.
Buffy: This feels kinda morbid.
Willow: I've gone through most of her files already.
Buffy: Does that make it less morbid or you really morbid?
Willow: I had to, to teach her class.
==========
Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.
==========
Angelus: My friends, we're about to make history... end.
==========
Buffy: Oh, I'll fight him, I'll kill him if I have to. But if I don't get there in time or if I lose, then Willow might be our only hope.
Willow: I, I don't wanna be our only hope. I crumble under pressure. Let's have another hope?
==========
Merrick: Buffy Summers?
Buffy: Yeah? Hi! What?
Merrick: I need to speak with you.
Buffy [slightly worried]: You're not from Bullock's, are you? 'cause I-I meant to pay for that lipstick.
Merrick: There isn't much time. You must come with me. Your destiny awaits.
Buffy: I don't have a destiny. I'm destiny-free, really.
Merrick: Yes, you have. You are the Chosen One. You alone can stop them.
Buffy: Who?
Merrick: The vampires.
Buffy [dumbfounded]: Huh?
==========
Whistler: She's gonna have it tough, that Slayer. She's just a kid. The world's full of big, bad things.
Angel: I wanna help her. I want-I wanna become someone.
Whistler: God, jeez, look at you. She must be prettier than the last Slayer.
==========
[Angelus performs the ritual to release Acathla, but nothing happens.]
Spike: [sing-song, mocking.] Someone wasn't worthy.
==========
Kendra: I call it Mr. Pointy.
Buffy: You named your stake?
Kendra: Yes.
Buffy: Remind me to get you a stuffed animal.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]BECOMING, PART TWO[/glow]
Buffy: The whole earth may be sucked into Hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care.
==========
Buffy: I'm, uh, in a band. A-a rock band with Spike here.
Spike: Right, she plays the-the triangle...
Buffy: Drums!
==========
Joyce: Have we met?
Spike: Um, you hit me with an ax one time, remember? Uh, "get the hell away from my daughter."
Joyce: Oh.
==========
Joyce: Have you tried not being a Vampire Slayer?
...
Joyce: It's because you didn't have a strong father figure, isn't it?
...
Joyce: Well, you're not gonna hurt them, are you?
Buffy: I'm a Slayer, not a postal worker.
==========
Buffy: Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences. How many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven't figured it out?
Joyce: Well, it stops now!
Buffy: No, it doesn't stop. It never stops. Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is? How dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, god, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.
==========
Giles: You must...
Angelus: Yes?
Giles: Perform the ritual...
Angelus: Go on?
Giles: In a tutu. Pillock!
Angelus: Alright, somebody get the chainsaw!
==========
[Drusilla continues kissing Giles after her "interrogation."]
Drusilla: Sorry. I was in the moment.
==========
Xander: Willow, uh, she told me to tell you-
Buffy: Tell me what?
Xander: Kick his ass.
==========
Giles: You're not real.
Xander: Sure I'm real.
Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.
Xander: Then why would they make you see me?
Giles: You're right. Let's go.
==========
Angelus: No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?
Buffy: Me.
==========
Buffy: I love you.
Angel: I love you.
Buffy: Close your eyes. [stabs him through the chest]
[glow=red,2,300]WHEN SHE WAS BAD[/glow]
Xander: You're Amish! You can't fight back... 'cause you're Amish! I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy!
==========
Xander: Yo! G-man! What's up?
Giles: Nice to see you. And don't ever call me that.
==========
Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow. Was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?
Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.
Xander: Yeah. Some stuff's about groping. It wasn't about groping was it?!
==========
Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.
==========
Buffy: Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.
==========
Buffy: So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware?
Angel: I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like.
Buffy: I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from.
Angel: What are you afraid of? Me? Us?
Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no "us". Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.
==========
Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
==========
Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? ... She's possessed.
==========
Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
Xander: A bitca?
==========
Principal Snyder: There're some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
Giles: No, actually that would be one of the five.
==========
Buffy: This is Cordelia's. "Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal."
Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? I'll pretend I didn't say that.
==========
Willow: Well, what about the rest of the note?
Buffy: What rest of the note?
Willow: The part that says, "P.S. This is a trap"?
==========
Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say "undead American"?
==========
Cordelia: What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is? It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.
Ms. Calender: Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to kill you. The stains.
==========
Buffy: I don't think I can face them.
Giles: Hm? Oh, of course you can.
Buffy: I can't! What should I say? "Sorry I almost got your throat slit. What's the homework?"
Giles: Punishing yourself like this is pointless.
Buffy: It's entirely pointy. I was a moron. I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school.
Giles: What are you gonna do? Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?
Buffy: Would it have cable?
==========
[glow=red,2,300]SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED[/glow]
Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or… yodel.
==========
Buffy: You might want to avoid words like "amenable" and "indecorous". Speak English, not whatever they speak in...
Giles: England?
==========
Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?
Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business.
Xander: Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen.
==========
Giles: Grave-robbing? That's new. Interesting.
Buffy: I know you meant to say "gross and disturbing".
Giles: Yes, yes, yes of course. Uh, terrible thing. Must put a stop to it. Damn it.
==========
Cordelia: Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word "corpse" in it?
==========
Willow: Love makes you do the wacky.
==========
Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
==========
Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
Xander: [coughing] Karma!
==========
Buffy: Okay, Giles, just remember, "I feel a thing, you feel a thing", but personalize it.
Giles: Personalize it?
Buffy: She's a techno-pagan, right? Ask her to bless your laptop.
==========
Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
Angel: What?
Buffy: Crazy stuff.
Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?
Buffy: Are you fessing up?
Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.
Buffy: I don't love Xander.
Angel: Yeah, but he's in your life. He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]SCHOOL HARD[/glow]
Principal Snyder: Tell me, who do you think is the most troublesome student in this school? [Beat.] Well, it is quite a match between you two. On the one hand, Buffy hasn't stabbed a horticulture teacher with a trowel.
Sheila: I didn't stab anyone with a trowel. They were pruning shears.
Snyder: On the other hand, Sheila has never burned down a school building.
Buffy: W-well, that was never proven. The Fire Marshall said i-it coulda been mice.
Snyder: [incredulous.] Mice.
Buffy: [grasping.] M-mice that were smoking?
==========
Spike: If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move.
==========
Sheila: Did you really burn down a school building one time?
Buffy: Well, not actually one time.
Sheila: Cool.
==========
Xander: So, this night of St. Vigeous deal. If they're gonna attack in force, aren't we thinkin' vacation?
Willow: We can't run, that would be wrong. Could we hide?
==========
Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.
Angel: You said you weren't sure if you were going.
Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
Willow: Wow. Two centuries of dating. If you only had two a year, that's still like 400 dates with 400 different... [Awkward beat.] Why do they call it a mace?
==========
Xander: [After Angel discreetly vanishes during a conversation ala Batman.] Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy.
==========
Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. [tuts.] You should have someone out there.
Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?
Angel: Everything.
Spike: Yeah. Come up against this Slayer yet?
Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave her the puppy dog "I'm all tortured" act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.
Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine? What a world!
Xander: I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.
==========
Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!
==========
Buffy: Do we really need weapons for this?
Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.
==========
Joyce: [after braining Spike with an axe.] You get the hell away from my daughter!
(best quote from BtVS EVER!)
==========
[glow=red,2,300]INCA MUMMY GIRL[/glow]
Xander: Hold on a sec. So, this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man. With man parts. This is a terrible idea.
Willow: What about the beautiful melding of two cultures?
Xander: There's no melding, okay? He better keep his parts to himself.
==========
Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
Xander: The important thing is you believe that.
==========
Giles: You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
Buffy: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.
Giles: It's as if you know me.
==========
Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.
Xander: For twenty-one hours?
Willow: It's addictive, you know.
==========
Willow: So, Ampata. You're a girl.
Ampata: Yes. For many years now.
==========
Oz: I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.
Devon: She doesn't have to talk.
==========
Xander: [on Twinkies] And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce, so it doesn't leave you with that heavy "food" feeling in your stomach.
==========
Willow: Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life.
Buffy: Good for you.
Willow: Well, I didn't choose yet.
==========
Oz: Hey. That girl. Who is she?
Devon: She's an exchange student. I think she's from South America.
Oz: No, not her. The Eskimo!
==========
[glow=red,2,300]REPTILE BOY[/glow]
Angel: [grabs her roughly] This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.
Buffy: No. When you kiss me I want to die.
==========
Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?
==========
Willow: I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew.
Xander: Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties ... That's not askew, that's [censored!]eyed.
Willow: Askew means [censored!]eyed.
==========
Willow: [to Angel] Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! [to Giles] And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the Chosen One, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! [to Angel] And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee?? Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've got to help Buffy.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]HALLOWEEN[/glow]
[Xander confronts athlete Larry about insulting Buffy.]
Larry: Well, what're you gonna do about it?
Xander: I'm gonna do what any man would do about it ... [He grabs Larry by the shirt.] ... something damn manly.
==========
Cordelia: Oh, he's a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.
==========
Cordelia: Is Mr. I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show-up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there?
Oz: Yeah. ... You know, he's just going by "Devon" now.
==========
Willow: Okay, your name is Cordelia, you're not a cat, you're in high school, and we're your friends. Well, sort of ...
Cordelia: That's nice, Willow. And you went mental when?
==========
Oz: Who is that girl?
==========
[glow=red,2,300]LIE TO ME[/glow]
Cordelia: I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed ...
Xander: I think you mean oppressed.
Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!
(Another one of my absolute favorite quotes since I now know who Marie Antoinette is and I know what cake really is!)
==========
Drusilla: What will your mummy sing when they find your body?
==========
Xander: "This is Ford, my bestest friend of all my friends!" Jeez, doesn't she know any fat guys?
==========
Angel: Do you love me?
Buffy: What?
Angel: Do you?
Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you.
==========
Chanterelle: This is a beautiful day. Can't you see that?
Buffy: What I see is that, right after the sun goes down, Spike and all of his friends are going to be pigging out at the all-you-can-eat moron bar.
==========
Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
Giles: You mean life?
Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?
Giles: What do you want me to say?
Buffy: Lie to me.
Giles: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.
Buffy: Liar.
(Another one of my favorites. Did Season Two just rock with the quotes, or what?!)
==========
[glow=red,2,300]THE DARK AGE[/glow]
Xander: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.
Buffy: He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier."
==========
Cordelia: There are books on computers? Isn't the point of computers to replace books?
==========
Cordelia: No, he seemed perfectly normal yesterday when I saw him talking to the police.
(Everyone stares at Cordelia)
Buffy:: And you waited till now to tell us this because...?
Cordelia: I didn't think it was important!
Xander: We understand. It wasn't about you.
==========
Buffy: Don't be sorry, be Giles. C'mon, we fight monsters. This is what we do. They show up, they scare us, I beat 'em up and they go away. This isn't any different!
==========
Willow: HEY! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble! Now, we have to put our heads together and, and get them out of it! And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!
==========
Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you're a person.
Giles: Most grownups are.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]WHAT'S MY LINE, PART I[/glow]
Cordelia: Oh, here I am. "Personal shopper or motivational speaker". Neato!
Xander: Motivational speaker? On what? Ten ways to a more annoying you?
==========
Principal Snyder: It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event.
Xander: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me. And I can only hope that one day I'm in the position to be that honest with you.
==========
Giles: You're behaving remarkably immaturely.
Buffy: You know why? I am immature. I'm a teen. I have yet to mature.
==========
Buffy: Note to self: religion: freaky.
==========
Angel: You shouldn't have to touch me when I'm like this.
Buffy: Oh. I didn't even notice.
==========
Buffy: Who the hell are you?!
Kendra: I am Kendra! Da Vumpire Slahyer!
==========
[glow=red,2,300]WHAT'S MY LINE, PART II[/glow]
Kendra: "Wiggy"?
Buffy: You know. No kick-o, no fight-o?
==========
[Spike is dragging an unconscious Angel away.]
Willy: What are you gonna do with him anyway?
Spike: I'm thinking... maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.
==========
Buffy: It's OK. Kendra killed the bad lamp.
==========
Giles: After meeting you, Buffy, I realized that, uh, the handbook would be of no use in your case.
Buffy: Well, what do you mean it would be of no use in my case? Wha- what's wrong with my case?
==========
Xander: A Slayer, huh? I knew this "I'm the only one, I'm the only one" thing was just an attention-getter.
==========
Xander: Angel's our friend! Except I don't like him.
==========
Drusilla: [to Angel] Say 'uncle.' Oh, that's right. You killed my uncle.
==========
Kendra: That's me favourite shirt! It's me only shirt!
==========
Oz: The monkey's the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that? You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen. So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like, is the hippo going, "Hey, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And, you know, the monkey's just [in a French accent] "I mock you with my monkey pants." And then there's a big coup at the zoo.
Willow: The monkey is French?
Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?
==========
[glow=red,2,300]TED[/glow]
Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid?
Buffy: Oh, yeah!
Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?
========
Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone's like, "I like your mini pizzas", but I'm telling you, I am—
Giles: Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text.
==========
Xander: Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit.
Cordelia: Oh, very funny.
Xander: Not really.
Cordelia: What are you saying?
Xander: Nice outfit?
Cordelia: Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut?
==========
Xander: You wannna go to the utility closet and make out?
Cordelia: God, is that all you ever think about? [pause] Okay.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]BAD EGGS[/glow]
Mr. Whitmore: ...it's often difficult to remember that there are negative consequences to having sex. Would anyone care to offer one such consequence?
Cordelia: Well, that depends. Are you talking about sex in the car or out of the car? Because I have a friend, not me, that was in a Miata parked at the top of the hill, and then she kicked the gearshift, and, and-
==========
Willow: Tardy people show. And yes, he did notice, so he wanted me to give you this. [hands Buffy an egg]
Buffy: As far as punishments go, this is fairly abstract.
Willow: No, it's your baby!
Buffy: Okay, I get it even less.
Xander: You know it's the whole sex leads to responsibility thing, which I personally don't get. You gotta take care of the egg, it's a baby. You gotta keep it safe and teach it Christian values.
Willow: My egg is Jewish.
Xander: Then teach it that dreidel song.
==========
Xander: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You... Angel... big... smoochies?
==========
Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?
Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.
==========
Xander: Can I just say... gyuhhhh?
Buffy: I see your gyuhhhh and raise you a ngyahhh!
==========
[glow=red,2,300]SURPRISE[/glow]
Buffy: I dreamt ... I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.
==========
Willow: Carpe diem! You told me that, once.
Buffy: "Fish of the day"?
Willow: Not carp — carpe! It means "seize the day."
Buffy: Right.
==========
Oz: I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.
Willow: Oh! Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say "yes."
Oz: Yeah, it helps. It ... it creates a comfort zone. ... Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?
Willow: [slaps forehead] Oh! I can't!
Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
Willow: Oh ... It's just, it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.
Oz: It's okay.
Willow: But you could come! If you wanted.
Oz: Well, I don't want to crash.
Willow: No, it's fine! You could be my ... my date.
Oz: All right. I'm in. [nods farewell when she indicates she's ready to leave]
Willow: [walks off, delighted with the encounter] I said "date"!
==========
Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?
Willow: Ohhh, well ... sort of.
Xander: Yep. Vampires are real, a lot of 'em live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in.
Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.
==========
Giles: It seems Buffy needed some rest.
Angel: Yeah. She hasn't been sleeping well. Tossing and turning.
(Willow, Giles, Xander and Jenny give him the "how would you know look?")
Angel: She told me. 'Cause of her dreams.
==========
Angel: I love you. ... I try not to, but I can't stop.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]INNOCENSE[/glow]
Spike: Are we feeling better then?
Drusilla: I'm naming all the stars.
Spike: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day.
Drusilla: I can see them, but I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion. I fear there will be a duel.
==========
Willow: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not knew it in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!
Xander: I know it's weird ...
Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the We Hate Cordelia Club, of which you are the treasurer.
Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you.
Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?
Xander: All right, let's over-react, shall we?
Willow: But I'm ...
Xander: Willow. We were just kissing. It doesn't mean that much.
Willow: No. ... It just means you'd rather be with someone you hate, than be with me.
==========
Xander: Whoa. Whoa! I-I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan. [lights go out] Now I'm having a wiggins.
==========
Cordelia: This is great! There's an unkillable demon in town, Angel's joined his team, the Slayer's a basketcase, I'd say we've hit bottom.
Xander: I have a plan.
Cordelia: Oh no, here's a lower place.
==========
Angelus: To kill this girl ... you have to love her.
==========
Cordelia: So does looking at guns really make girls want to have sex? That's scary.
Xander: Yeah, I guess.
Cordelia: Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
==========
Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, you know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops. It's like, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage.
==========
Buffy: That was then ... [puts the crossbow down and raises a rocket launcher] ... this is now.
Judge: What's that do?
==========
Oz: [picking up pieces of the Judge and pointing at one of its arms] Uh - Arm!
==========
Giles: It's not over. I suppose you know that. He'll come after you, particularly. His profile ... he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human.
Buffy: You must be so disappointed in me.
Giles: No. No no, I'm not.
Buffy: This is all my fault.
Giles: I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. And I can. I know that you loved him. And, he ... he's proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months are, are going to be hard, I suspect on all of us. But if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is my support. And my respect.
==========
Joyce: Well, go on. Make a wish.
Buffy: I'll just let it burn.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]PHASES[/glow]
Larry: That little innocent schoolgirl thing is just an act, right?
Oz: Yeah. Yeah, she's actually an evil mastermind. It's fun.
==========
Buffy: Well, none of them know a thing! They all get an "F" in Willow.
Willow: But I want Oz to get an "A," and, oh, one of those gold stars!
==========
Buffy: But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that "sharing our misery" thing tonight.
Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
Buffy: Meow!
Willow: Thanks, I haven't gotten a Meow before.
==========
Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.
==========
Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered[/glow]
Angelus: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Spike: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?
==========
Xander: Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting.
Buffy: Play your cards right...
==========
Willow: Don't be so jumpy... I've been in your bed before.
Xander: Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.
==========
Willow : [seductively] I want you, Xander... to be my first!
Xander: [terrified] ...baseman! Please tell me we're talking baseball!
==========
Oz: I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to... hit you.
==========
Drusilla: Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Xander: [stiff with fear] Really? It doesn't say 'spare me,' by any chance?
Drusilla: How do you feel about eternal life?
Xander: We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe?
==========
Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
Oz: But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.
Buffy: You think maybe you could get me some clothing?
Oz: Yes, I can. Just, uh... don't go anywhere.
Buffy: Really not an issue.
==========
Cordelia: Harmony, shut up. [Xander looks back] Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.
Harmony: I'm not a sheep.
Cordelia: You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval, when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I wanna do, and I wear what I wanna wear. And you know what? [Xander smiles] I'll date whoever the hell I wanna date. No matter how lame he is. [Xander stops smiling]
==========
[glow=red,2,300]PASSION[/glow]
Cordelia: Oh, God! I invited him in my car once. That means he can come into my car whenever he wants!
Xander: Yep, you're doomed to havin' to give him and his vamp pals a lift whenever they feel like it. And those guys never chip in for gas.
==========
Xander: Excuse me, but have you ever heard of knocking?
Jonathan: We're supposed to get some books. On Stalin.
Xander: Does this look like a Barnes & Noble?
Giles: This is a school library, Xander.
Xander: Since when?
==========
Buffy: It's so weird. Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew.
Willow: Well, sort of, except ...
Buffy: Except what?
Willow: You're still the only thing he thinks about.
==========
Shopkeeper: By the way, not that it's any of my business, but what are you planning on conjuring up, if you can decipher the text?
Jenny: A present for a friend of mine.
Shopkeeper: Really? What are you going to give him?
Jenny: His soul.
==========
Angelus: [to Joyce] I haven't been able to sleep since the night we made love.
...
Buffy: Sorry, Angel. Changed the locks.
==========
Angelus: I heard. You went shopping at the local boogedy-boogedy store.
==========
Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying "I told you so" long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the ... fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, "Faster, [censored!]cat! Kill! Kill!"
Buffy: Yeah. There's just one problem with Giles in a revenge scenario. It'll get him killed.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]KILLED BY DEATH[/glow]
Xander: Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life!
==========
Buffy: No, I feel fine. I mean, I'm... the world's spinning a little bit, but I like it, it's kinda like a ride.
...
Cordelia: We're all concerned about how gross you look.
==========
Angelus: Buffy's White Knight. You still love her. It must just eat you up that I got there first.
Xander: You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there.
==========
[Willow brings Buffy, who is in hospital, her homework]
Buffy: Homework.
Willow: It's my way of saying get well soon.
Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.
==========
Xander: Your mom's tryin' to Bogart the cheesy chips. What's that all about?
==========
[glow=red,2,300]I Only Have Eyes for You[/glow]
Buffy: What happened?! You just went O.J. on your girlfriend!
==========
Secretary: Mr Snyder, Billy Crandell chained himself to the snack machine again.
Principal Snyder: Pathetic little lowlife vegan.
==========
Buffy/James: Grace!
Angelus/Miss Newman: Don't do this.
Buffy/James: But...but I killed you.
Angelus/Miss Newman: It was an accident. It wasn't your fault.
Buffy/James: It is my fault. How could I...
Angelus/Miss Newman: (gently puts his fingers on her lips.) Hush. I'm the one who should be sorry James. You thought I stopped loving you. But I never did. I loved you with my last breath. Shh. No more tears.
(Both couples in the past and present begin kissing passionately. During this event white lights go out of both Buffy and Angelus. James and Miss Newman found peace.)
(Buffy and Angelus stop kissing.)
Buffy: Angel?
(Angelus growls, shows his vamp face and pushes Buffy. He runs out of the room and slams the door.)
==========
Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it.
Buffy: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with.
Xander: He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.
==========
Spike: You might want to let up. They say once you've drawn blood, you've exfoilated.
Angelus: What do you know about it? I'm the one who was freaking violated. You didn't have this thing in you.
Drusilla: What was it? A demon?
Angelus: Love!
Drusilla: Poor Angel.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]GO FISH[/glow]
Xander: That is wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our Ds.
Cordelia: Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works.
Xander: And what about that nutty "all men are created equal" thing?
Cordelia: Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.
Xander: I think that was Lincoln.
Cordelia: Disgusting mole and stupid hat.
Willow: Actually, it was Jefferson.
Cordelia: Kept slaves. Remember?
==========
Cameron: Relax, I'm not going to hurt you.
Buffy: Oh, it's not me I'm worried about.
==========
Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
Willow: Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness.
==========
Cordelia: God, this is so sad. We're never gonna win the state championship. I think I've lost all will to cheerlead.
Xander: Raise your hand if you feel her pain.
==========
Buffy: You see, I'm a swim groupie.
Gage: Uh-huh.
Buffy: Oh, yeah, you know, there's just something about the smell of chlorine on a guy. Oh, baby.
Gage: Hmm. [starts to leave]
Buffy: Uh, okay, okay, okay. Obviously, my sex appeal is on the fritz today...
==========
Cordelia: What the hell are you doing here?
Xander: Shhh! I'm undercover!
Buffy: You're not under much.
==========
Coach Marin: You got some imagination, missy.
Buffy: Oh, well, right now I'm imagining you in jail. You're wearing a big orange suit, and, oh look, the guards are beating you up.
...
Coach Marin: Boy, when they were handin' out school spirit, you didn't even stand in line, did you?
Buffy: No, I was in the line for "shred of sanity."
=========
Cordelia: You were so courageous, and you looked really hot in those speedos! And I want you to know that I still care about you, no matter what you look like. And-and we can still date. Or-or, not. I mean... I understand if you wanna see other fish. I'll do everything I can to make your quality of life better, whether that means little bath toys or whatever.
==========
Buffy: Great. This is just what my reputation needs, that I did it with the entire swim team.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]BECOMING, PART ONE[/glow]
Liam: I've never been anywhere myself. Always wanted to see the world but -
Darla: I could show you.
...
Liam: I'm not afraid. Show me. Show me your world.
Darla: Close your eyes. [morphs into vampire face and sinks her fangs into Liam's neck, draining his blood]
==========
Snyder: Are we having a chair shortage?
Willow: I didn't read anything about... oh, [slides off Oz's lap] I get it.
Snyder: These public displays of affection are not acceptable in my school. This isn't an orgy, people. It's a classroom.
Buffy: Yeah, where they teach Lunch.
==========
Drusilla: I met an old man. Didn't like him. He got stuck in my teeth.
==========
Angelus: You can see all that in your head?
Spike: No, you ninny. She read it in the morning paper.
==========
Willow: It might be something of Ms. Calendar's.
Buffy: This feels kinda morbid.
Willow: I've gone through most of her files already.
Buffy: Does that make it less morbid or you really morbid?
Willow: I had to, to teach her class.
==========
Spike: It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.
==========
Angelus: My friends, we're about to make history... end.
==========
Buffy: Oh, I'll fight him, I'll kill him if I have to. But if I don't get there in time or if I lose, then Willow might be our only hope.
Willow: I, I don't wanna be our only hope. I crumble under pressure. Let's have another hope?
==========
Merrick: Buffy Summers?
Buffy: Yeah? Hi! What?
Merrick: I need to speak with you.
Buffy [slightly worried]: You're not from Bullock's, are you? 'cause I-I meant to pay for that lipstick.
Merrick: There isn't much time. You must come with me. Your destiny awaits.
Buffy: I don't have a destiny. I'm destiny-free, really.
Merrick: Yes, you have. You are the Chosen One. You alone can stop them.
Buffy: Who?
Merrick: The vampires.
Buffy [dumbfounded]: Huh?
==========
Whistler: She's gonna have it tough, that Slayer. She's just a kid. The world's full of big, bad things.
Angel: I wanna help her. I want-I wanna become someone.
Whistler: God, jeez, look at you. She must be prettier than the last Slayer.
==========
[Angelus performs the ritual to release Acathla, but nothing happens.]
Spike: [sing-song, mocking.] Someone wasn't worthy.
==========
Kendra: I call it Mr. Pointy.
Buffy: You named your stake?
Kendra: Yes.
Buffy: Remind me to get you a stuffed animal.
==========
[glow=red,2,300]BECOMING, PART TWO[/glow]
Buffy: The whole earth may be sucked into Hell, and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care.
==========
Buffy: I'm, uh, in a band. A-a rock band with Spike here.
Spike: Right, she plays the-the triangle...
Buffy: Drums!
==========
Joyce: Have we met?
Spike: Um, you hit me with an ax one time, remember? Uh, "get the hell away from my daughter."
Joyce: Oh.
==========
Joyce: Have you tried not being a Vampire Slayer?
...
Joyce: It's because you didn't have a strong father figure, isn't it?
...
Joyce: Well, you're not gonna hurt them, are you?
Buffy: I'm a Slayer, not a postal worker.
==========
Buffy: Open your eyes, Mom. What do you think has been going on for the past two years? The fights, the weird occurrences. How many times have you washed blood out of my clothing, and you still haven't figured it out?
Joyce: Well, it stops now!
Buffy: No, it doesn't stop. It never stops. Do-do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is? How dangerous? I would love to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or, god, even studying! But I have to save the world. Again.
==========
Giles: You must...
Angelus: Yes?
Giles: Perform the ritual...
Angelus: Go on?
Giles: In a tutu. Pillock!
Angelus: Alright, somebody get the chainsaw!
==========
[Drusilla continues kissing Giles after her "interrogation."]
Drusilla: Sorry. I was in the moment.
==========
Xander: Willow, uh, she told me to tell you-
Buffy: Tell me what?
Xander: Kick his ass.
==========
Giles: You're not real.
Xander: Sure I'm real.
Giles: It's a trick. They get inside my head, make me see things I want.
Xander: Then why would they make you see me?
Giles: You're right. Let's go.
==========
Angelus: No weapons, no friends, no hope. Take all that away, and what's left?
Buffy: Me.
==========
Buffy: I love you.
Angel: I love you.
Buffy: Close your eyes. [stabs him through the chest]
<-------- Broody angel, cute!
