The Muse
Common Vampire
[Mo0:0]
Posts: 79
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Post by The Muse on Jul 9, 2009 3:02:11 GMT -5
Title: Take my Key Challenge: Challenge #2 Drabble in Villain POV Fandom: Buffy Pairing/Characters: Glory/Ben Summary: Glory’s last dieing moments trapped inside Ben as Giles kills them. Inner dialogs of Glory and Ben- mostly Glory. Rating: PG-13 Warnings: Language Disclaimer: No ownage of anything, all goes to Joss and team! Word Count: 100 Author's Note: Written while listening to ‘Wandering Star’ and ‘Sour Times’ by Portishead. First try at a Challenge on here. Had fun even though word count restrictions are not my friend… Take a moment, Glorious One. This is your final account. Look how everyone will lack in their shaking as you leave. But don’t you mean we? I will leave as I came, exalted. While you are crushed beneath the core of your inner human body. Beneath your layers of fifth, I remain distinctive while you are inferior. Fuck you. I’ve had enough, oh Ugly One. You don’t even know what enough is. How enough is made of thousands of dimensions condensed into one... and I come from the world of never enough. So just take my key, I’ve had enough. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please feel free to leave feedback for the author!
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gumgnome
Junior Vampire Slayer
Who has got the button?
Get out of my BRAIN![Mo0:1]
Posts: 970
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Post by gumgnome on Jul 9, 2009 4:51:33 GMT -5
Awesome idea to do an internal dialogue! I wonder whether Glory would be as chilled as you make her out to be while dying, but I applaud an imaginative piece.
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meliafairy
Novice Witch
Le Bitch
[Mo0:13]
Posts: 257
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Post by meliafairy on Jul 9, 2009 5:01:38 GMT -5
I agree that internal dialogue is a very cool idea but it did kind of fall short on the execution. I think that is because an internal dialogue like this might need more than 100 words.
I do think that this is a really great line though...
"How enough is made of thousands of dimensions condensed into one... and I come from the world of never enough."
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Secret Scoobie
Wise-cracking Sidekick
Puts words in word places
Shiny![Mo0:32]
Posts: 2,702
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Post by Secret Scoobie on Jul 9, 2009 5:29:51 GMT -5
I thought this was a good piece! It's interesting to have TWO characters in an internal dialogue. It made me laugh in parts, their sibling-like-quabbling! hehe, but I think Glory would've been a little more angry or freaked out when she found out she was going to be killed because of Ben's humanness.
Loved it though!
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Post by Skytteflickan88 on Jul 9, 2009 6:59:16 GMT -5
I liked this. Maybe a "-"before each paragraph would have been better, to show people immediatly that it was another character thinking/speaking, so we don't get confused.
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zorthrip
Common Vampire
[Mo0:0]
Posts: 98
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Post by zorthrip on Jul 10, 2009 3:12:58 GMT -5
I ended up having to read this a few times to straighten out with part was thought by whom.
I liked some of the phrasing used, but I felt that the pieced lacked emotion.
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