Post by Rebecca on Nov 2, 2009 21:02:55 GMT -5
I thought this was knee-slap-worthy. Written by a local radio DJ, here is your laugh of the night.
www.teamjubal.com/2009/11/an-open-letter-to-dakota-fanning/
www.teamjubal.com/2009/11/an-open-letter-to-dakota-fanning/
Dear Dakota:
How are you? I know, probably amazing. Congratulations on just achieving the honor of Homecoming Princess for your high school. I wanted to write you a quick letter to tell you that you are a bad person. Now wait, before you stop reading let me explain. How dare you be a successful, A-list actress AND a popular, well adjusted high school student. Correct me if I’m wrong but shouldn’t fame have given you a raging meth habit by now?
What gives you the right to be 15-years-old and already achieved success and riches that most of us will only dream of? Sure, I may sound like a 31-year-old man who’s just bitter because whenever I hear about your accomplishments it makes me despise my tremendously mediocre existence even more… that’s because I am. Guilty as charged. You however, are a jerk for rubbing it in my face. At ten years old you already had a vocabulary that eclipsed mine, you were richer than me and you’d done some pretty cool movies, WASN’T THAT ENOUGH?! The one thing that I thought I had on you was the fact that in high school I was a member of my Homecoming Court, not the king, just on it. As a matter of fact, when I got that honor I immediately thought “sweet, Dakota fanning will never get this one up on me” but NO, as soon as you could you did, and shoved it in my face! Yes, you weren’t even born yet but I was fully prepared for your barrage of attacks on my self-esteem. Thanks for making me feel like a bigger waste of space. I bet you’re bilingual too… I bet you’ve even passed pre-algebra. Well you know what Dakota, I took my SAT’s stoned out of my mind… beat that!
On second thought maybe I do have one accomplishment that you haven’t experienced yet. I was once voted MVP at A.C. Green’s basketball camp! Yup, A.C. himself even gave me the award. Well, technically he gave it to Juball Fragg because my name was spelled incorrectly on the trophy but whatever. Let’s see you do that! You can’t, you know why? I don’t even think the camp exists anymore. Oh man, I bet you feel so inadequate right now. Think about that while you log on and check your multi million-dollar bank account, the next time someone in Uganda asks you for an autograph or when remembering being nominated for a SAG award at the age of fetus. You NEVER got MVP at A.C. Green’s basketball camp! I did, plus I have a blog that like three people read. I win.
Wow Dakota, thanks for making me realize how much better my life is than yours. Stick with it kid, you’re only 15 and eventually you may actually achieve something of importance. An accolade comparable to the MVP award at A.C. Green’s basketball camp, if there even is such a thing. We can’t all be amazing athletes like I was in sixth grade.
I’m glad we could get this dialogue out in the open. Keep reaching for the stars and remember that A.C. Green NEVER shook your hand or mispronounced your name. I’m amazing.
Sincerely,
Jubal
How are you? I know, probably amazing. Congratulations on just achieving the honor of Homecoming Princess for your high school. I wanted to write you a quick letter to tell you that you are a bad person. Now wait, before you stop reading let me explain. How dare you be a successful, A-list actress AND a popular, well adjusted high school student. Correct me if I’m wrong but shouldn’t fame have given you a raging meth habit by now?
What gives you the right to be 15-years-old and already achieved success and riches that most of us will only dream of? Sure, I may sound like a 31-year-old man who’s just bitter because whenever I hear about your accomplishments it makes me despise my tremendously mediocre existence even more… that’s because I am. Guilty as charged. You however, are a jerk for rubbing it in my face. At ten years old you already had a vocabulary that eclipsed mine, you were richer than me and you’d done some pretty cool movies, WASN’T THAT ENOUGH?! The one thing that I thought I had on you was the fact that in high school I was a member of my Homecoming Court, not the king, just on it. As a matter of fact, when I got that honor I immediately thought “sweet, Dakota fanning will never get this one up on me” but NO, as soon as you could you did, and shoved it in my face! Yes, you weren’t even born yet but I was fully prepared for your barrage of attacks on my self-esteem. Thanks for making me feel like a bigger waste of space. I bet you’re bilingual too… I bet you’ve even passed pre-algebra. Well you know what Dakota, I took my SAT’s stoned out of my mind… beat that!
On second thought maybe I do have one accomplishment that you haven’t experienced yet. I was once voted MVP at A.C. Green’s basketball camp! Yup, A.C. himself even gave me the award. Well, technically he gave it to Juball Fragg because my name was spelled incorrectly on the trophy but whatever. Let’s see you do that! You can’t, you know why? I don’t even think the camp exists anymore. Oh man, I bet you feel so inadequate right now. Think about that while you log on and check your multi million-dollar bank account, the next time someone in Uganda asks you for an autograph or when remembering being nominated for a SAG award at the age of fetus. You NEVER got MVP at A.C. Green’s basketball camp! I did, plus I have a blog that like three people read. I win.
Wow Dakota, thanks for making me realize how much better my life is than yours. Stick with it kid, you’re only 15 and eventually you may actually achieve something of importance. An accolade comparable to the MVP award at A.C. Green’s basketball camp, if there even is such a thing. We can’t all be amazing athletes like I was in sixth grade.
I’m glad we could get this dialogue out in the open. Keep reaching for the stars and remember that A.C. Green NEVER shook your hand or mispronounced your name. I’m amazing.
Sincerely,
Jubal
