Quarreling with your loved ones

[Darth Rosie]

OK so here's something I'm interested in: Tell me about the occasions when you quarrel with your loved ones, be they your partner or (best) friend or family or whoever.

Me and my girlfriend, we don't quarrel much. When we do, it usually has to do with me not being around enough (I'm quite the workoholic, which some of you might have noticed already) or with her being overstrained at work and not having eaten enough. She's a doctor and very much under pressure and after a hard day that has taken too long and when she is low on sugar, she can be quite the exploder. I know that she doesn't mean bad and doesn't want to attack me, but still it's quite hard to take, especially when my day was also a long one.

So that's what happened today. There was some screaming from her side and some ducking from mine. We're back in normal mode now, but I must admit I feel a bit disheveled.

So what makes you quarrel with your nearest and dearest? What is your role? And how do you take when you're treated ... not so well?

[wenxina]

My quarrels usually stem from the fact that my boyfriend/partner/man-wife and I have very opposite temperaments. He's a lot more passive whereas I'm somewhat of a control freak. I like knowing details, having details pinned on the fridge way before something, so I don't have to worry about it as we get closer. And the way things work out, that's always my role. He has no interest in taking care of these matters unless he has to. Which living apart now (not by choice, but because we work in different cities), he has had to more.
And so we argue when I want him to work something out, and he won't.
His excuse is usually that he doesn't have the time. Which then peeves me, since in my worked up state, it sounds like he's implying that I have plenty of time to work these things out, which I usually don't.
The pattern is discernible, and we both know the exact trajectory, but it never changes.
Which, hey, I can live with. We'll just be old men who bicker constantly. The making up bit is always nice though. What is life without passion?

[loveisabird]

Our quarrels usually stem from me being pathetically jealous (which i MUST get sorted out, im an idiot ), and the fact he works long shifts and his rotas constantly suck . I love him to death and I hate when we argue, and im feeling guilty days afterwards.

[drusillacakes]

My sister and I don't fight as much as we used to, but when we do, it can get violent. Lots of book throwing and bruising. They usually stem over something very silly, like a progression of name-calling to the point where one person ends up chucking an object.

In past relationships, it can be over something trivial or a misunderstanding, or something that's been boiling for a while. Maybe multiple occasions where someone is late and doesn't call, forgotten appointments, randomness like this. It usually ends with someone shutting down, usually me. I don't like drama-- I'd much rather walk away and cool off first before trying to rectify the situation. I prefer being alone to do my sulking and then going back to apologize or whatever... but this has it's drawbacks too. If I don't think i did something wrong, and the other person refuses to believe they are at fault, then it's round 2. I can be pretty stubborn when I want to be.

[Miss. Rogueh]

All of the arguments and bad moods i get into stem from one thing, fustration... there may be other causes but the main reason I get upset is because I am fustrated. I used to be a very violent person, but after one really really and I do mean really bad physicaly abusive on both sides relationship (I put his head through a car window after he tried to run me over...) I have seemed to calmed down some. Usualy my fights with my now husband are because I am fustrated and he wont take something seriously, or he is ignoring me, or I feel like I am not getting the support I need. It has only turned violent twice (on my part, he would never ever ever raise a hand to me) and it was one punch that I didn't even know I thew untill after. I guess you would call it black out or red out, but it felt like I wasn't in control of my body, all I could feel was anger and I needed to let it out or it was going to be alot worse. I have been working on my issues for a long time...

[alex_krycek]

my wife and i typically argue over things related to money (at least right now). we just bought a house and she's over-concerned about making ends meet when she's never had a debt in her life. her dad paid for her colleg and car.

i on the other hand, paid for my own car & insurance since age 16, and i have two heafty student loans in my name.

granted, buying a house has more bills and expenses compared to renting. but we were both tired of p!$$ing our money away into the black hole of despair (our crack head landlords hands).

i've actually started a second job (part-time) and am getting a new full-time job that pays more than my current full-time. whenever she gets worried about our spending, i tell her i am doing everything i can do. stress the i. she's had the same cruddy job that she says she hates, but never applies herself to something bigger and better.

in our quarrels, i'm the one who provokes conversation. she tends to avoid discussion/argument. she always tells me that she's glad that i get her to talk about things.

put simply: money makes us argue/discuss. i'm the approacher, she's the avoider, and i can't say that i'm not treated well, just overlooked when i try to express that things will be fine, i've been paying debts for years.

[The Night Lord]

Well, I'm now single again after my last relationship, but we used to argue quite a bit. She was the approacher and I was the avoider. Because of my childhood, I prefer to avoid conflicts and just get away from it all, but it was a bit hard. Usually we argued over each other, what we do, how we are as people and sometimes my family's side. Also, usually happened at night, near bedtime and there were times we were up until 1 in the morning arguing...on a work night (for me anyway). When we did resolve them, I preferred to forget about them and move on and things would be fine for a while

Guess now I don't have to worry about arguments anymore

[Eric]

I don't fight with my family that much anymore. It's at the point where we ignore each other when we're in the same room. Mostly, I just pretend they don't exist, ha ha. When people do fight in our house, it almost always stems from the fact that not one of us has an ounce of respect for each other. Frankly, that's probably not going to change anytime soon.

Sorry to hear about everyone else's quarrels and troubles.

Jun 2, 2010 13:54:49 GMT -5 Darth Rosie said:

She's a doctor

Wait... You're a lawyer, right? And your girlfriend is a doctor?


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Will you adopt me?

[The Girl In Question]

When I argue with my "loved ones" it's usually because of their failure to comprehend or consider my feelings. Like they try to tell me I shouldn't feel what I feel and what I feel is dumb and all that nonsesne and well, that leads to fights (the intensity of the fights vary from person to person). As my "loved ones" they should be more understanding than most and it pisses me off that when it comes down to it they aren't any more understanding.

Or, if I'm just in a bad mood and the little things they do that bother me just become unbearable. Then in that case I'm the bitca. Hell hath no fury like me on a bad day, and I have been having those all year :/

Actually this has made me realize that I might prefer conversing with the folks at slayalive than my "loved ones." Hm....that might be sad...

[AngelFaith]

My boyfriend and I used to argue over my self-destructive streak, which stems from a turbulent relationship with my parents (when I was in my teens, we're better now), my being a victim of incest (my cousin) and my last relationship which was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive.

For years I didn't address any of my issues, which resulted in severe depression, nightmares and post traumatic stress disorder. All these together meant that I was constantly unable to function properly and I couldn't hold down a job, which meant we were inundated with money issues, which of course put us both under a lot of stress and resulted in fights and a few break ups. He just couldn't watch me hurt myself and I refused to get proper help, which made him frustrated because I obviously had issues that needed to be seriously addressed.

I finally sought therapy and am doing much better these days, which means so is my relationship. These days we only have petty fights over things such as who gets control of the remote, etc. It's much better and we're so much happier.

Wow, just realised how incredibly pathetic and emo this makes me sound. I'm not as crazy as I appear to be, honest.

[Darth Rosie]

Jun 6, 2010 2:35:41 GMT -5 Eric said:

Jun 2, 2010 13:54:49 GMT -5 Darth Rosie said:

She's a doctor

Wait... You're a lawyer, right? And your girlfriend is a doctor?


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Will you adopt me?

Eric, if it wasn't legally impossible - of course I would!

Some of you have gone through harsh and dire times ... sending you my love.

[N.D.U.O]

I quarrel with my mom... well not quarrel cuz when your Nigerian you don't talk back to your parents or you die but.... my mom is going through a tough time financially and she's kinda taking it out on me. She'll just get unbelievably angry over something as small as "You look scruffy". I'm just trying to suck it in and hope things get better.

[The Girl In Question]

AngelFaith, I don't think you sound crazy, emo, or pathetic. I actually have to same disorders as you. So don't feel crazy or weird or anything!

[whitecandy]

^^Agreed, you don't sound pathetic AngelFaith. I have suffered from stress, anxiety, panic attacks and mood swings for years now and have only just been diagnosed with a mood disorder and been given medication to control my severe up and down mood swings. It has been a long journey but I feel I am finally getting better and feel better than I have for ages.

This has made things much easier for me and my boyfriend, as I used to get so angry and agressive, or just sit and cry for hours, both of which used to cause arguments as even though he knew I wasn't well, it was still frustrating for him, and I was a nightmare to be around. My bf is very laid back and doesn't express his emotions very well, so most of our arguments usually centre around me being upset about something minor, but he will then clam up and refuse to say anything and then gets defensive, which makes me more upset/angry, and they we argue more! We don't argue much luckily, usually over stupid house things and when we are tired or irritable.

[AngelFaith]

^^ Thanks TGIQ and whitecandy, you're both sweet. I tend to overshare sometimes, but it's just easy to spill problems on these boards, everyone's so supportive.

[Just Willow]

When I fight with my best friend (who is the person I love the most) it's awful. Cause she's very cold-shouldery, and I'm very confrontational. Usually we'll have one big loud fight and then ignore each other after that. Then we get the rest of our friends involved. They all hear both sides of the story, adn some pick sides and come stay out of it....it gets ugly. We always make up inthe end though

[Randi Giles]

I prefer not to argue with love ones anymore. I've seen enough verbal, sexual, emotional and physical abuse for a lifetime. I have a teenage sister that 's constantly not making the right decisions. And I have a mom that sadly has the battered woman syndrome. In my family the mother is always right. This is why I got my own place. There's only so many times you can try to argue before you start sounding preachy and the stress starts to get to you. When it got to the point where I was unhappy and crying and panicking it was time for me to go.

[TabulaRasa]

I've never been in a romantic relationship long enough to fight but thats a whole different drama. Me and my group of friends literally fought about everything during high school, and since 5 of the 6 were teenage girls things would get pretty ugly. The worst was when we all went to Disney World together for a week, "the happiest place in the world" my ass. Without going into the ugly and honestly petty details lets just say I got slapped and I will never go to Mexico in Epcott ever again. The truth is after a year in college away from everyone hanging out with people I don't fight with I've realized that, with the exception of maybe 2, we just aren't very compatible people and we were forcing it in high school.

Aside from that the only person I spar with regularly is my little brother. The worst part is that he is still in high school and ridiculously smart and really talented ITO musical theatre but he knows it and is a major ass whole. This don't usually get physical because I could honestly crush him like a twig, but it does get very wordy and kinda upsets my mom. I think its cause our family is full of lawyers so we know how to argue yet no one really wins. I have to say though, I give us both credit for the creativity in our insults since there is absolutely NO cursing in our house. The "s-word" in our house is shut up.

Either way I don't like to fight but I'm pretty good at it

[elenasaur]

I'm pretty non-confrontational. Or really, extremely non-confrontational actually. I can't remember an occasion where I was actually the instigator, but perhaps that is beside the point. Usually when my parents are going to yell at me, I take after my brother, and completely shut down. Stare straight ahead and say nothing until they go away kind of thing.

And I never really got into fights with my friends. I'm not a drama-prone person, and I would like to say it was because we were so close and we all loved each other, but that's false. Realistically, it was because my friends and I all drifted apart so much that they just didn't feel the need to confront me to my face about anything, because I just don't think they were invested enough to be concerned.

Well, that and most of my friends are similarly non-confrontational. We gossip maliciously, and change sides, and hate each other behind one another's backs. Thank god that's over with.

[Darth Rosie]

Now I'm in a situation in which I did not fight but some people might have. During all this heat wave things seem to be falling apart, a couple split up (let's call them Sandra and Bridget), and my girlfriend had a crisis because she was not the one Bridget had fallen in love with, because she (my gf) has a crush on her. Call that great and let's hope it was just the weather. By now the situation has cooled down again and my gf has sworn me her everlasting love. She had better, what with us planning to build a house blabla. Still, I've had better times.