Dawn's surrogate parents: Who is and who isn't?

[tkts]

Poor Dawn has been abandoned at one time or another by just about every important adult in her life. She's also had a lot of people who filled parental roles of one kind or another. But some seem more parental than others, and I was interested in trying to sort out who plays what role.

I'm particularly interested in the Willow question, since that seems the hardest to sort out ... more on that later.

So here's how I see it.

Buffy: The easiest one ... she's Dawn's surrogate mother both emotionally and in the eyes of the law.

Giles: Not a surrogate father to Dawn, even though he is to Buffy. In fact, he consciously rejects the role of father to Dawn, most notably in "Tough Love" and in Season 6, when he's trying to convince Buffy to shoulder her own parental responsibilities. There does, however, seem to be an undeniable familial connection, seen particularly in "All the Way," when he does reluctantly assume the role of disciplinarian. He's probably most analogous to the grandfather of a child who was born to a young, unprepared mother.

Tara: Apart from Buffy, she seems to fulfill the maternal role in Dawn's life most closely. In the beginning, she and Willow both fill the role of "the cool aunt," but it seems like over time, Tara's bond with Dawn strengthens and Willow's bond with Dawn loosens. This probably comes across most strongly in "Smashed" and "Wrecked."

Willow: For some reason, I really have trouble seeing her as a mother figure, even though she and Tara were Dawn's primary caregivers while Buffy was dead. Maybe it's because of what happened in subsequent episodes, where Willow became more and more reckless, leaving Tara as the responsible one who was actually looking out for Dawn.

(As an aside, I wonder if Tara ever found out about Willow crashing the car with Dawn in "Wrecked." I think she would have been furious.)

Xander and Anya: No parental-type roles at all.

Any thoughts?

[sosa lola]

By S7, I think Xander and Buffy played the role of surrogate parents for Dawn:

Lessons: Xander's responsible appearance and usage of car to drive Buffy and Dawn to school along with Buffy's mom hair and finally paying attention to Dawn. They buy her the cell phone, Buffy doesn't give it to Dawn until Xander is there, the way Buffy pulls Xander's wrest to see his watch (I loved this moment), Xander picking Dawn and Buffy to school everyday.

Beneath You: Again, Xander driving them to school, Dawn asking Buffy not to embarrass her like a daughter asks her mother. I don't blame Nancy for thinking that Buffy and Xander are together, they do act like a couple in these episodes.

Him: When Dawn embarrassed herself in front of RJ, it was Xander and Buffy who were there to comfort her. Why would Xander help Buffy comfort her when Willow was living with them? Xander comforting Dawn out of school and then when he finds Buffy on top of RJ, he goes all, "Now get off the boy, Buffy. We're going home." He is taking the father role way too seriously.

Never Leave Me: When Spike is kidnapped, it was Buffy and Xander who checked the empty basement, then it was Buffy and Xander who went upstairs and made sure Andrew was okay before they came downstairs together to check on the rest of the children…. I mean, Willow and Dawn.

Potential: Buffy and Xander are the ones making sure Dawn is okay, before Xander takes the stage and helps Dawn to be more confident about herself. He's really the father of the season.

I'm sure there are little moments here and there, but the most obvious one must be that Buffy doesn't trust anyone with Dawn but Xander. She trusted no one to go away with Dawn but Xander, if they all died, she preferred that Xander would raise Dawn alone and no one else. In Chosen, she paired Dawn with Xander, knowing that Wood and Giles are much better fighters, but she still trusted no one with her but Xander.

Then we have Buffy's role as the mother of the season by taking care of all these potentials and her friends. And on top of them all, Spike.

Icons treating Xander and Buffy as parents:

and

First made by adis723 and the second by Moscow Watcher

Another point that made them feel like a family was when Willow came home she felt like out of place a little. Xander/Buffy/Dawn were this little family unit and were living life with out her and she felt misplaced. Here's a screen cap showing the "Family Numbers" And has Buffy, Xander, and Dawn's number written down. Not Giles, not willow, not even her father's number, just B/X/D.

[joxerlives]

Absolutely agree, Tara and Willow as Dawn's adoptive mothers in season 6, in the comics Will says they were tempted to just take her and move out of Sunnydale, form their own little lesbian family.

And yes, love Xander and Buffy as Mr and Mrs Harris in season 7, they make a great mum and dad for Dawn

[midwesternwatcher]

Xander as Dawn's father figure? I see what you're getting at, especially in Potential. When Dawn showed father-need, Xander stepped in. But it bothers me a little. Remember, Dawn was physically attracted to Xander in the "false memories" period and shortly thereafter, and in Season 8, she actually takes up with him. We see them kissing, and I read it that they've either had sex already or soon will.

I'm surprised nobody mentioned Spike as part of Dawn's surrogate family. I wouldn't say he was a father figure. More like a big brother. He definitely felt responsible for Dawn.

Tkts says he has trouble seeing Willow as a surrogate mother. I feel the same way. Willow is more like a big sister. She's a little too harsh for a mother figure. It has something to do with her tendency to take injuries and slights to heart, and the difficulty she has in forgiving. Remember her conversation with Faith in season 3, which episode was that? "Oh, it's way too late!" Contrast that with the way Angel treats Faith after she goes to LA.

[Paul]

Sept 27, 2010 19:57:14 GMT -5 midwesternwatcher said:

Xander as Dawn's father figure? I see what you're getting at, especially in Potential. When Dawn showed father-need, Xander stepped in. But it bothers me a little. Remember, Dawn was physically attracted to Xander in the "false memories" period and shortly thereafter, and in Season 8, she actually takes up with him. We see them kissing, and I read it that they've either had sex already or soon will.

Why does it bother you? Someone can be a father figure and a romantic interest at the same time. I've had crushes on people I consider father figures and my boyfriend is much older than me. I guess some people find it weird or creepy but I don't. Relationships are complicated and you can't pigeon hole people in a single role. I was a fan of the Debra/Lundy relationship in Dexter because it was a paternal/romantic relationship that was portrayed as genuinely sweet and healthy.

I'm no psychologist, but wouldn't it make sense for Dawn to look for a paternal boyfriend? Considering her father abandoned her when she was pretty young, it would make sense that she has daddy issues.

[tkts]

I, too, find the idea of Dawn seeing Xander as a father figure rather disturbing. Plus, I guess I just never saw the connection that way. Brother or cousin, maybe; close friend, certainly. But even when Xander is acting as a protector toward Dawn, I just don't see it as being in a parental sort of way.

[Paul]

Sept 27, 2010 20:59:44 GMT -5 tkts said:

I, too, find the idea of Dawn seeing Xander as a father figure rather disturbing. Plus, I guess I just never saw the connection that way. Brother or cousin, maybe; close friend, certainly. But even when Xander is acting as a protector toward Dawn, I just don't see it as being in a parental sort of way.

I think it was mostly in S7, when the others are away and Buffy, Xander, and Dawn are a nice little family.

[tkts]

In a lot of ways, Season 7 Dawn isn't really portrayed as needing a parent. Or, rather, she doesn't seem to require a lot of active parenting, from Buffy or anyone else. She grows up a lot and becomes more responsible. And during the second half of the season, she even starts to seem like one of the older, more seasoned members of the group ... rather than her being the odd one out, the arrival of the Potentials ends up casting her more as a member of Buffy's inner circle.

[midwesternwatcher]

Potential is a season 7 episode, is it not? That seems like the one where Xander is most "paternal" toward Dawn.

Dawn has daddy issues, no doubt. And women who hook up with men significantly older than themselves usually are carrying a torch for a father who is physically or emotionally absent. I see all that. But ... I don't see how you can have both a parental and a romantic relationship with the same person. The parental relationship has to end before the romantic relationship begins. Am I wrong? Maybe I am.

I'm the wrong gender to imagine this. A parental relationship is fundamentally unequal. A romantic relationship is more equal, even if perfect equality is never achieved. Would a woman want to obey her boyfriend/lover in the same spirit in which she might obey a father? You ladies will know better than I.

[wenxina]

Is it really about obeying, or about feeling "safe" with someone?

[tkts]

Sept 27, 2010 21:38:45 GMT -5 midwesternwatcher said:

A parental relationship is fundamentally unequal. A romantic relationship is more equal, even if perfect equality is never achieved.

I think you may have just hit on something very important -- and something that may explain why I can't see Xander as a father figure to Dawn, beyond just the squick factor.

Nearly all of the Scoobies interact with Dawn in a very adult-to-child sort of way. (Buffy: "It's nothing you need to see, Dawn. Go wait outside." Willow: "I don't think Buffy would like the black arts bumping auras with the littlest Summers." Tara: "I think you're very mature for your age ... but you're still only 15.")

Xander, on the other hand, is different, something Dawn herself comments on in her first scene with him: "Xander treats everyone like an equal. He doesn't look down on people. Even when he should."

There are also a few occasions, like in OMWF, when Buffy snaps at Xander for saying something in front of Dawn that she doesn't think Dawn is old enough to hear. But that quote from "Real Me" is probably the most revealing. As protective as he is toward her, Xander ultimately is the only one to really treat Dawn as an equal, not a child.

[The Night Lord]

Spike? Anyone gonna mention Spike? Surely he was a part of Dawn's surrogate family, right? Anyone?

[joxerlives]

Sept 28, 2010 2:40:58 GMT -5 The Night Lord said:

Spike? Anyone gonna mention Spike? Surely he was a part of Dawn's surrogate family, right? Anyone?

I think Spike was Dawn's cool but irresponsible Uncle, the type who'd give her her first beer then hold her hair as she throws up afterwards

Yeah, Dawn shows daddy issues (Barney from HIMYM would just love her) and to an extent this is why she hooks up from Xander. I'm ok with it as long as they're not blood relatives, fine with a girl wanting a daddy figure as long as it's not actually her daddy (SMG's film Suburban Girl explored the theme), much like I'm ok with Connor and CC.

[midwesternwatcher]

I mentioned Spike, though nobody seems to have noticed. I suggested he was like an older brother. The image of "cool uncle," that's OK, but would he be that irresponsible? In season 5, forget which episode, Dawn visits him in his crypt where she listens to stories of his murderous past. When Buffy shows up, he changes his tune, he doesn't want her to know what he's been saying. He does help Dawn with that resurrection spell, but only after he's convinced she won't change her mind.

Thanks for the quotes about Dawn and Xander, helped to remind me.

In the false-memories period, Xander was "the cute boy down the block" in Dawn's mind, I'm pretty sure of that. I don't think he ever moved into a father role.

[The Night Lord]

^ Episode was Crush, I think. And I don't think Spike has ever been irresponsible with Dawn. He was her protecter and care-taker between season 5 and 6 and he also usually looked out for her *sigh* I miss those Spike & Dawn moments

much like I'm ok with Connor and CC

*shudders* I think I'm gonna go vomit now

[jtmaster13]

I wanna say the whole aspect with Xander, I don't think it was a father type role, but more of an older brother maybe. He treated her with respect and never really treats her as a kid, at least not in season 7 anyway.

[Scarygothgirl]

I see Willow as the older sister, the one that ends up being disowned from the family for reckless behaviour. The sort of thing where Dawn thinks it might be cool, though she's aware she doesn't understand it, and then she end up taken out to the magic-drug-den place and finally understands why it's a bad thing. At which point she becomes wary of Willow. Anyone get what I mean? With Willow being the black sheep of the family.

I think there are some very good points about Xander being the father figure, though from things like in Potential where he tells her she's extraordinary he seems to be on the same level as her rather than a parental figure. If a parental figure tells you you're extraordinary you think yeah well that's what they would think. Whereas when someone on the same level as you says it you really take it to heart because you know they mean it.

[joxerlives]

Sept 28, 2010 14:54:33 GMT -5 Scarygothgirl said:

I see Willow as the older sister, the one that ends up being disowned from the family for reckless behaviour. The sort of thing where Dawn thinks it might be cool, though she's aware she doesn't understand it, and then she end up taken out to the magic-drug-den place and finally understands why it's a bad thing. At which point she becomes wary of Willow. Anyone get what I mean? With Willow being the black sheep of the family.

I think there are some very good points about Xander being the father figure, though from things like in Potential where he tells her she's extraordinary he seems to be on the same level as her rather than a parental figure. If a parental figure tells you you're extraordinary you think yeah well that's what they would think. Whereas when someone on the same level as you says it you really take it to heart because you know they mean it.

I think Jane Espenson refers to Willow and Tara as Dawn's 'favourite aunts'

[midwesternwatcher]

Good point about Xander. The consensus seems to be that Xander is more like an uncle or an older brother than a father, right?

Willow as a black sheep? I keep thinking of the early seasons. Not to mention season 7. We need a little Willow love on this thread.

[tkts]

Sept 28, 2010 14:54:33 GMT -5 Scarygothgirl said:

I think there are some very good points about Xander being the father figure, though from things like in Potential where he tells her she's extraordinary he seems to be on the same level as her rather than a parental figure. If a parental figure tells you you're extraordinary you think yeah well that's what they would think. Whereas when someone on the same level as you says it you really take it to heart because you know they mean it.

Good point. That speech would definitely not have meant as much coming from Buffy.

Sept 28, 2010 17:51:52 GMT -5 joxerlives said:

I think Jane Espenson refers to Willow and Tara as Dawn's 'favourite aunts'

Someone does, for sure. I think it might be either David Fury or James Contner in the commentary for "Real Me." And it's accurate at that point in the series. I think, though, that Tara's role becomes more maternal with time, especially as others start to become less capable of filling that position in Dawn's life.